Why shouldn’t my own happiness come first?


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I have a friend, surprising I know considering I piss in my own shoes, but I have a singular friend to which we will call Batman for story purposes.

Me and Batman go for lunch and generally complain about our other halves to each other, mostly minor until Batman became the Dark Knight.

Batman has a toxic relationship for a multitude of reasons not of her own making, various parent factors and other external factors. As a great relationship fixer I advised to go single for a while justified by you can’t have a toxic atmosphere and give each other ultimatums and be happy. Fair point I think we will all agree.

The response was surprising:
– I can’t what will my parents say
– Relationships are hard to come across
– It’s convenient for me.

I was expecting a ‘No I’m in love’ or some other soppy nonsense. It’s fairly apparent to anyone on the outside that they don’t work which brings me to my point.
Batman will certainly find happiness not in this relationship but it’s not the path of least resistance that we as humans often choose. I feel that my own happiness is the most important thing as it’s one of the few things I have control over. I will do things that make me happy, on my own if necessary, over something that makes me sad. Any collateral damage is likely to be minimal as sadism doesn’t make me happy. Question being why do many people not seem to do this?

Logic baffles me in these situations and I blame the emotional spectrum. People seek others out, no one enjoys isolation and loneliness. This comfort is holding Batman back in this situation to which I argue, if you can’t be happy on your own, you can’t be truly happy with someone else- the foundation is wrong!

TL;DR: Humanity needs to put itself first in some cases to be happy.


Shoe as the prop of Stupidity.


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So….I’m not proud of this one but it does highlight a few accountability issues systemic throughout my personal life.

I’ll throw a question in the mix before I tell a story so here goes: ‘if it’s harmless, but gross, I don’t remember it and it only really affects me…do I need to apologise to others in the immediate area?’

The answer at the end is most likely yes but the story has a few caveats.

Anyway, story! It was my birthday recently (37 messages included Facebook posts Thank You kindly!) and one Saturday I sat in the pub with some friends. Chat, Drinks and Laughs were flowing as standard with a hilarious Grandad chair being used to make everything that little bit funnier.
A triple run of jaeger bombs happened then we swept up our beers and went home.

What I thought to be a quiet night turned out weird. Vomit was everywhere in the bathroom and between me and my housemate we have no idea who did it- do we both apologise? I casually blamed due to scarf proximity but I’m not 100% sure. Well, he cleaned it so a little win for me.

Next up…I’ve been informed I went to the bathroom…in my bedroom…against the wall and in my shoe…TO WHICH I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RECOLLECTION!

To add some details, nothing there is wet, nothing smells and no marks on the wall to suggest urine damage.

My question is- do I apologise and am I accountable for this?
My immediate reaction is no. This was my unconscious brain acting without my knowledge, nothing I can do about that.

I don’t behave like this sober and I know if I did this sober it would be horrendous, does drunk take the edge off?

Who knows, I’m still arguing with a friend that it does but it’s a uphill battle.



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Snapchat, as I’m sure you know, is the future. A smart phone app that allows you to send pictures for 10 seconds with some commentary and drawings for those who don’t know.

I know what you’re thinking- this is the next chat roulette right?
Wrong, although it has been dubbed Snatchchat by my peers, I have yet to get any pornographic or PG13 snaps. Uber disappointing.

To summarise snap chat my experience in list form:
29 shopping experiences
17 taken whilst on the toilet
105 surprised faces
21 Anime character drawings
205 TV snaps
65 selfies
1 dead rabbit
10 work related
44 Alcohol related
2 of male nudity (I’m a guy)
1 video of a man vomiting and rolling in it…gross

As much as these are freaking hilarious, why is no one sending me nudity?
I’m no Indian giver, I’ve sent out ludicrous amounts of naked snaps, some very revealing and nothing in return.

Fans, if you are reading this, send me the juice- I’m waiting!

Travel Etiquette: Trains


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So, I’m currently on the East Coast mainline staring out a rain swept window across miles of farmland. I do enjoy a good journey- time to myself to read, blog and think about the various idioms that come to me.

Home made sandwich- Check!
Wi-Fi so poor I can’t listen to Spotify- Check!
Surrounded by people confused by trains – Double Check!

This post is about the people on trains. I consider myself a train journeyman who keeps himself to himself, helps with the overhead storage if I’m sat on the aisle seat and generally respectful to others. A courtesy I think all humans should have but travelling in a cage seems to bring out the inner ‘melon’ of people.

Sitting across from me is a Woman breast feeding what appears to be a 2/3 year old. I appreciate it’s not illegal, it’s convenient and a necessary evil which I’m sure she is hating more than I am.
Still…I don’t want that on my train journey. I’m sure the baby changing or a hall way is more private and easier. As much as the lady opposite is trying to look natural, you can tell her A cups are causing distress to the entire train.

Behind me, two Leeds United fans talking about Cellino. I’m not really listening to the conversation but observing the number of slurps of Carlsberg they are taking and use of sloppy ‘Northern’ English- another pet peeve.
Drink, fine. Accent, fine. Being lounder than a jet plane in the quiet coach, not okay. This is a designated quiet coach, please move down the train and respect the roles- babies are present and people trying to work.

It’s also 1.30, easy on the ‘bevvies’.

It seems social etiquette doesn’t apply. I’m not sure why it’s disappeared and what makes trains so special but slowly but surely it’s pushing me towards a car.

I’m at a point where etiquette should be taught at public school every morning and detention for poor etiquette throughout the day.

On the flip side – I have a 4 person table to myself!

Anyway, a car- I look forward to posting about driving etiquette in the not so distant future!

Tube Chapters #1: iPads on Tubes


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I get the tube daily and as a result I see a variety of stupid things on the tube.
Tube Chapters will be my little series of short tube stories that I see on a near daily basis.

Let’s start with the iPad Predicament.

It was a busy Thursday, as is every day when you are getting on the Victoria line at Stockwell, that Northern Line can bite me.

Experience has since told me the front of the tube is the quiet part, the rear is swamped, thanks Brixton.

Getting on the crowded part means standing in the middle with the iPads, Metros and Timeout magazine readers being over bearing and pretending you aren’t there. Damn those elbows. Thursday was the day the tube fought back.

Typical iPad douche was reading The Times on his shiny silver cased iPad that he was show boating with what I assume is a new iPad 4 but he could just be a douche.

Typically bumpy ride but iPad douche is tube surfing so he can double grip his iPad. He’s unstable and shakey but loving his shiny iPad when the magic happens.

The tube makes an abrupt jerk leaving Pimlico, iPad douche goes for a flying lesson with a difference.

iPad first he gets launched toward the central pole, iPad hits the pole and seemingly no damage….until he follows through with his head which remarkably goes straight through the iPad snapping it clean in two. Sadly no video was taken or I’d be shorting stock in Gorilla glass before posting this.

The result was a man, with a huge gash on his head and glass stuck to his forehead, gently sobbing into his hands.
Victoria Line 1 – 0 iPad douche.
Sadly it was my stop so I could get no further reactions, I assume the person under the train incident later in the day isn’t related or certainly hope not.

It’s just an iPad.

ASOS Love/Hate Relationship


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I’ve recently decided to go back to ASOS. After a bad experience a few years back I’ve been a high street shopper for everything even though I never try clothes on.

I have to say, I’m still not thrilled. Having spent over £1,100 on a series of coats and clothing (some to return) you would think they try and get this right.

In brief:
1) They need to work on their deliveries
2) Customer Service is excellent (pending positive outcome).

It’s been 7 packages and I’ve yet to sign for anything, more so, I’ve yet to see a delivery guy. Opening the door to a box in the step can only go on for so long until a baby appears.
Not impressed.

To expand on this, several boxes have been open with one key box having a pair of jeans missing. Can’t be certain but the delivery guy is probably wearing my Diesel slim fit hard wash jeans. The bastard.

On the flip side, ASOS like it when you complain, they like it so much they respond with a joke- made my week.
All my issues were immediately solved, even the ones that were my fault (putting the label in the box is always a challenge).

Props ASOS. Now, sort my refund and pair of jeans or this post will get very unfiendly.


Happy 21st Birthday


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Going back a few years now, my 21st birthday was certainly one to remember, sadly I don’t remember many bits of it but I’ll never be allowed to forget the punch line.

Let’s set the scene, just done my January exams, student loan just arrived and a bunch of giddy, alcohol craving students are heading out in Leeds. You already know it won’t end well.

Started off with some drinking at The Old Bar in the Union…mainly 90p shots, then hit the Elbow Room for some Pool and more shots before finishing up at HiFi for the Ska Rock band and more shots!

All in all a successful night.
To round it off we went to the 24hr McDonalds for a drunk burger run.

This is when disaster struck.
Ordered my Chicken Nugget meal, large, whipped out my student card for a free McFlurry and readied my feast.
BBQ Sauce open, food laid out, magic.

Chicken Nugget one, covered in sauce hits my mouth, the saliva flows, my body rejects it completely and I dash to the door…IT WENT EVERYWHERE!
Projectile vomit over Leeds High Street infront of many witnesses.

The usual ‘wanker’ shouts were heard to which I retorted ‘it’s my 21st birthday’ which got me all the sympathy in the world. So much, a very charming girl escorted me back inside to an empty meal- a good friend devoured it- and left me to it.
She took my number but I clearly didn’t do it right as it only had 7’s and 3’s.

Oh well. Another classic Birthday.

Chicken not fit for a Cottage


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So I live in South London. Famous for Yuppies, Clapham Common, Murders and for Tooting having a GIANT Chicken Cottage.
For those who don’t know, Chicken Cottage is the standard ‘I’m pissed and want chicken’ kind of shop.

As such, I often frequent Tootings most famous attraction.

Most recently I’ve seen a few things of note.

Did you know Chicken Cottage is a meeting point for a local ‘gang’?. As it happens this also makes this fine establishment the scene of many of great fight. The other week I saw a beautiful choke slam onto a table and a young gent thrown through a window. Pretty standard for a Tuesday.

Did you also know that Chicken Cottage will make you sicker? Having been to a local pub a few friends and I decided we wouldn’t risk the hangover and risked a 2pieces, 2 wings meal.


Until the next day when my body, a few friends also, found the need for emergency bathroom privilege. I personally made it to midday in bed before I suffered a chicken based vomit.
Another made it to the gym before meeting their maker.

Neither were impressed.
Having been to KFC yesterday all I can saw is Chicken Cottage is verging on evil and KFC will always remain supreme.

Long live KFC. Colonel, we salute you.

Ryan Giggs


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Legend. Hero. Icon. Role Model. Sex Pest. Whatever you know Ryan Giggs as you have to respect his football career (and for knocking off Imogen Thomas on the side), his achievements are on the top ranks of all stars of the premier league.


He needs to retire. He’s 40 years old, his play is becoming sloppy and he’s stared to move in slow motion. It actually pains me to see David Moyes pick him given how poor he is.

Starting building for the future Moyes. As for you Ryan, retire and become a full time ‘Lad’ and pretend you don’t half a wife like you’ve been doing the last 11 years.

TV channel for Friends


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I’ve had an idea. From the title hopefully an obvious one.

Back in the glory days, Channel 4 used to constantly play Friends which I hope you agree is one of the best sitcoms ever created and the base for modern shows such as How I Met Your Mother.
ComedyCentral has now taken over the reigns but I want to take it one step further.

Friends, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
I still watch Friends, my old housemate was an avid watcher and I know a girl who watched it every morning to get dressed to (to check out Joey).

This channel would start at Season 1 and just repeat, given the odd episode lengths and adverts every episode would be shown at every time of day (eventually) so we can all finally see that 1 episode we have ever seen.

I don’t expect this to make huge amounts of money but it will be that ‘go to’ channel when nothing else is on TV, which seems to be any time Gameof Thrones isn’t on.

What do you think, instant success or in need of some work?